Sorry, I don't do that with guys.

Sometimes I forget that not everyone views two people of different sexes hanging out the same way.

I mean, seriously, if I see a guy and a girl walking and talking together, I will just think it's two friends talking. I don't instantly think their in a relationship, I don't instantly think the girls a slut, I don't instantly think any worse or better of either of them for hanging out and talking.

Perhaps it's because I don't worry about these kind of things. I don't think, when I'm walking around with a friend and talking, how other people are thinking about me. I'm not constantly worried that I'll be looked down on, or forced to pay some sort of consequences for hanging out with them. I figure if anyone I know, or who actually cares about me at all, finds out and is bothered by it for some reason, they'll come to me and I can explain it; and I really don't care what anyone else thinks. If Random Jewish Shmo/Shmoette thinks what I'm doing is some terrible sin, I don't really care, What's important is that I don't think I'm sinning, I don't think God think's I'm sinning, and in any case whether I am or not is between me and God, not RJS.

But not everyone is like that. Especially if they're female. Pressures in the Jewish community on females about "reputation" are thousands of times higher then they are for males, and I'm even less worried about "reputation" then are most frum Jewish males. If a frum Jewish girl is seen walking around with a guy in public (especially if she's into the dating scene), she better be prepared to answer to her parents, her friends, and every self-appointed nosey Moral Guardian around.

This is a particularly annoying problem to me (to say nothing about how said actual females feel about it) because I tend to get along and feel more comfortable in general around girls then guys, and as a result have a lot more female friends then male ones. So when I ask one such friend if they want to go for a walk/hang out over the weekend, it's a forehead-slapping moment when they say no because I'm a guy.

Life Update

So, it's been an interesting couple of months. I got out of the hospital right before Passover, so I was pretty busy after with preparation and the like, Passover itself went generally alright, with bouts of more depressed moments and not so depressed moments. Because I was hospitalized right during midterms and large papers time, I was forced to drop all my classes for the semester. I also missed the last day of training (which involved a test and presentation) for a volunteer position I'd been working on getting for a while.

Life Tip: Try to avoid being hospitalized if you can. it kinda screws up your life's progression in general. Just sayin'

Anyway, since then I've registered for classes in the summer and fall and talked to the volunteer coordinator about starting volunteering (which she was anxious for me to do, and I will be starting soon. Other then that, I've mostly been trying to keep busy with housework, lots of exercise (I've been- successfully!- trying to lose weight), and generally trying to spend time with friends (when they have the time). Finally, I've been working on doing more creative writing, which is something I enjoy but don't always have time to do.

Just thought I'd give potential readers a general idea of how my life is going.

I'm Back

So, long story short, I managed to make Red really miserable by telling her what I did, and that in return made me pretty miserable.

This would be what prompted the previous post, for those that hadn't already guessed.

After an interrupted suicide attempt, I spent a week and a half or so in a psychiatric hospital. Since getting out, Red and I have resumed communication and are interacting more or less normally and well, as we had before I started this whole debacle.

Just figured I'd update here in case anyone actually reads this and cares.

I am a piece of Crap

And the worst part of it is, I make other people feel like that. Honestly, the best thing that could happen to me would be not waking up tomorrow. And if anyone here (re:nobody) can help me with that, please do.

The title of this blog has almost never been more appropriate.





I am so, so sorry. And the worst part is, you blame yourself.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

It's just me. I'm really, really good at hurting people. You just happened to be my next victim.

I didn't mean to.....so what? I still did,

I feel bad about it.....how very convenient of me. Meanwhile your feeling like you did something wrong.

You didn't.

I just want you to be happy.

All I did was the opposite.

Two Moral issues I have with the Torah

There are two "commandments" (statements?) in the Torah that I have issues accepting as given by a kind and loving God.

Saying things you never meant to say, at times you never meant to say them.

So, I managed to accidentally do something incredibly stupid last night.

I have a friend, we'll call her Red, who over the past seven months or so has become my best friend (although I am not hers). Then, about two weeks ago, I came to the realization that I might be in love with her.