I have a friend, we'll call her Red, who over the past seven months or so has become my best friend (although I am not hers). Then, about two weeks ago, I came to the realization that I might be in love with her.
You have to understand, (apparently) I'm not like most guys (and women) in how I look for a mate. For most people, the initial spark is physical. If you have a certain physical attraction (beyond the normal physical attraction for a member of the opposite sex) to each other, you move on from there (usually to something resembling making out) and then develop an emotional connection.
In the "Shidduch dating world," you go on a few formal dates. In that time, odds are if there isn't a certain physical attraction present (again, beyond the normal attraction for a member of the opposite sex) you wont continue. There also has to be a compatibility of hashkafa and obviously a certain mental/emotional liking for each other.
In both cases, though how you get there differs, once you realize that you like someone you've been dating enough, are attracted to each other enough, and think you can live together in harmony, one person will propose, and shortly after that get married, and then (hopefully) live happily ever after. Or at least, that's the ideal.
I'm not like that. For me, the physical attraction (while somewhat important; I suppose I can't be absolutely repulsed by someones looks, I have to find them reasonably good looking) is very secondary. For me, the main part of the relationship, and it's starting point, is the emotional and mental connection I feel with the person. Essentially, I would not be able to ask someone out unless I felt closer to them then anyone else (family excepted, although in certain ways I might feel closer to them than even my family). Basically, they would have to be my best friend before my mind would would even consider letting me be in a relationship with them. Once I do ask them out, it's not a trial, or an experiment. if I am in a relationship with someone, it's because I have already decided I want to spend the rest of my life with them.
This was the case with my first (and to date, only) girlfriend, hereafter known on this blog as Cassie. I had known her, literally, since she was born. Her family and mine had been really close since before my parents were married. We used to play together all the time. As we got older, we separated, but in my last year of high school we started communicating again. We became a couple soon after I started my first semester at college.
I was incredibly nervous about asking her out. In fact , I didn't really even ask her out. I kind of just told her "I liked her a lot" one night before I left her house to go home. This was after I had been told from practically mine and her entire family that she was into me, multiple times, over many years. As far as I could tell, she liked me. But what's more, I felt close to her (though it was nothing compared to how we became later) , closer then to anyone else. And it was still damn near impossible for me to get the words out.
(Eventually we broke up, an event which I'll probably cover a different time in this blog. Suffice it to say it was an relatively friendly breakup, not a fight or anything, and we are still friendly. I was invited to, and happily attended,her wedding.)
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It was weird. Nothing changed, yet everything did. The one day, had someone asked (and multiple people had asked me in the past, multiple times) if Red and I were in a relationship, I would have said "nah, we're just friends." My closest friend, but still "just" a friend. Then, the next day, I realize I'm suddenly imagining her asking me out, imagining us together.
Almost overnight, it seems things changed. Suddenly, I'm thinking about her a lot more, I feel her absence and the times we're not talking more deeply, and the world is just....different.
I know it's not really overnight. What actually happened was Red slowly built herself up in me , and eventually overtook Cassie. I still care deeply about Cassie, but now, for the first time since we started dating, I care about someone else....more.
I also have motivation again. After Cassie and I broke up, I didn't see much point in life. I knew I had to stay alive, however miserable and tired of it I might be, just because I knew lots of people would be terribly hurt if I did die (though I can't really understand why they would be, I do know they would.) My family would have been hurt a lot. Cassie would have been devastated, and all I needed was for her to feel she was the cause of my death- she was already feeling guilty enough about breaking up with me.
Even so, there were several times I had come close to killing myself. And numerous, numerous times I had thought about it, of course. I used to wake up disappointed that I woke up at all.*
In fact, Red and I's friendship kind of kicked off one such time. I had stolen a bottle of sleeping pills from my grandmother that day (I lived with my grandmother for a year and a half or so after Cassie and I broke up), and had been intending on well, using them all that night. However, that afternoon Red (who I had met previously in college, but never really had any sort of relationship with) had asked if anyone could come and keep her company in the library while she studied. I decided to go, and felt good enough after doing so and talking with her after that i didn't bother with the pills.
She saved my life that day, and more importantly, invited me into her life and social group afterwards, and, overall, I can now look back and say that not only did she save my life, she helped me enjoy life again.
Even so, I didn't have much motivation. I was living to that other people could be happy by dint of my existence, not because I had any particular goal in life.
But now, she has given me that goal. I have motivation again, motivation to do something with myself and my life ( preferably with her), and it's the most amazing feeling...I had forgotten what it was like.
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Red had been going through a rough time lately, both emotionally and mentally. College midterms were in full swing for her, and as if that wasn't enough, she was also in the midst of an emotional crisis over something she felt incredibly guilty over.
We had all (her social group, which became mine as well once she brought me into it) hung out Friday night. Her Shabbos day plans had been to stay home and study for her upcoming midterms. So after Shabbos I messaged her (as I often did) to see how she was doing.
The conversation eventually morphed into a discussion of souls. Then this happened:
Red: You know me, i objectify people. I did a terrible thing last week, and you even know my planned evil plots.
Jerry** could never do anything half as evil
Me: and yet, despite 'evil" that you did, or are " plotting to do," you still have one of the most pure and decent souls/minds I have ever had the fortune to meet.
Red: YOU HAVE YOURSELF
Dude
The way you speak about your ex is BEAUTIFUL. Like how you seem to really have been into her SOUL
Then I blew it. I was writing a message back, and kind of just pouring my thought into my fingers, just typing what I was thinking.
I was definitely going to send this: " that would be because she was(is) beautiful (soul wise and physically)."
And then I was debating on adding this line to it: "And she's not the only one."
I was wondering how obvious that would be. You see, I couldn't tell her what I actually thought about her, and certainly not now. For one thing, I was fairly certain my feelings were not mutual ( and she';s the kind of person that would feel incredibly guilty saying no even so). I also knew I didn't tick off nearly enough boxes on her "list." Finally, in a range of times to tell someone you loved them, with 1 being worst and 10 being best, this was a rock solid 1.
So, I typed that, and then I was kind of typing what I was thinking. The plan was to erase it and send something less. I had decided I would keep in the "and she's not the..." figuring it wouldn't be to obvious. But then, I accidentally pressed enter...and this was what I sent:
"that would be because she was(is) beautiful (soul wise and physically).
And she's not the only one.
^really not sure if I want to send this last line, or if it's a good idea....
Feels kind of like I'm standing on a precipice....
here goes..."
Well, NOW the cat was out of the bag.
What followed was a long conversation basically confirming what I already knew:TERRIBLE TIMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, as I said, she already had enough on her plate, emotionally and mentally, and din't need this as well. REALLY didn't need this. But no, I had to go throw it all on her anyway, so if she didn't already ave enough things to deal with already, she now got to have an extra helping of awkwardness and guilt about not reciprocating (as I said, she is that kind of person).
I mean, as I said, she already had enough on her plate, emotionally and mentally, and din't need this as well. REALLY didn't need this. But no, I had to go throw it all on her anyway, so if she didn't already ave enough things to deal with already, she now got to have an extra helping of awkwardness and guilt about not reciprocating (as I said, she is that kind of person).
Long story shot, we agreed to basically act as though it had never happened, except now I know that she knows. She also implied, or at least I think she did, that ordinarily she might be ok with said relationship, if not for the aforementioned bad timing, at various times in the conversation, Finally, she finished with this:
"And also, I am going to be selfish and not deal with this for at least another 2 weeks"
Putting aside that I'm the one who unloaded onto her at what I knew was a terrible time (even if it was accidental) and yet somehow she thinks she's the one who is "selfish," all in all this means I have no idea what's going to happen, possibility-of-us-being-couple-wise.
(Since then, we have indeed continued normal communication as if nothing had happened)
*Mind you, this was not all because Cassie broke up with me. There were other things that played into these feelings, terrible things I had done in the past that started to resurface around the same time.
**(a mutual friend who we had been talking to the night before)
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